Yolande

those genius folks over at fabfitfun have done it again! when I received my box in the mail this week I could have died over the toesox.. and that mod cloth blanket scarf will look awesome with the black t-shirt dress I mentioned above.. with a grey duster cardigan?! and grey or taupe booties?! yes!

well, we've opened the door.  not a lot (actually maybe just a handful of people) know the story or experience I've had with my parents/family and its been drama my entire life.  even as an adult I deal with things from my childhood that will never go away- no matter how much counseling I've had (I've gone through several years of it..) prescription drugs and alcohol consumed my mother's life for most of my adolescent life and into adulthood- and not a soul would know because of how well we hid it in our typical suburbia family life. outside looking in we were totally normal.  looking back there were so many times we visited my mom in rehab and I had no clue what we were doing there at that time and age- but now as an adult the pieces fall together so randomly.

I find myself saying "huh.  well that makes sense now." 

my dad was miserable. bi-polar.  depressed. angry. never ever abusive in any way, but just absent.  he supported me in all of my extra curricular activities, but I never knew when he would decide to stay in bed all day- and I HATED being home on the weekends because my house was basically desolate with everyone in their four corners doing their own thing and never together.  I was never home because of this.

even bigger, as I got into high school, I was the adult and my mother was a child and I tolerated this until she started lying and being deceitful about her addiction..and basically lied to my face about being on prescription medication during her first and only visit she would have just one week after the twins were born.  she passed out while holding a four pound Jolie Grace and I was home alone with her and I freaked out.  I never talked to her or the rest of my family again. I had babies to protect from this turmoil I had dealt with my entire life and I never wanted my girls to question ANYthing or feel unsafe EVER. so I was done.  that was nearly four years ago.

over the last several months God has been revealing His truth of redemption and grace to me.. even to the point of it coming out in complete strangers.  the most bizarre experience of my life happened at Costco. an older gentleman, just in passing, complimented my girls and some how, right there in the middle of the bulk cereal aisle, broke down into tears because his daughter was keeping his grandkids from him. "dont keep them from their grandparents."

my stomach was in knots.

how did this guy inadvertently tell me my own life story.

since then God has been opening doors and making me feel safe in walking through them, and this week it all finally came to a head when my parents made a trip to Dallas to meet my girls for the first time.  it was the most awkward visit.. only because I had never seen my dad be so amazing.  he was a different person.. not angry or depressed or uninterested.. and my mom was clean.  normal. 

taking this one day at a time.. and I could write a novel just based on all this emotion rising to the surface about just one 48 hour visit.

any time anyone would ask about my parents or family it was so easy just to leave it to "we dont have a relationship with them".  sweep it under the rug or stuff it in a closet and hide behind that phrase because I swear Jordan, bless that amazing man, might be the only one that truly knows how dark my past can be. and he still loves me and supports me through it all.  even when I am fighting him with all my might in fear.  my fear is often bigger than my faith. 

but this time it was good. my girls completely fell in love with my dad and my dad's feelings were clearly mutual. and the sweet conversations they had with my mom were plenty.

my dad would tell me he loved me and my mom would try and just hug me or love on me and I wasn't sure what to do or say or how to act, but I wanted to keep my girls comfortable.  they don't know about this hurt I have.  they don't know about drama or pain or stress.  my heart is hard right now about all this.  but I am working so hard to soften it.  I just took a seat and watched all this unfold with tears in my eyes- never thinking this would ever be a reality.  I tried so hard to push the anxiety away and just let the joy play out.  no matter how much drama and distress you have in your family life.. there are always points when you "just want your mom".  I have said it one million times in my adult life that I just wanted my mom.  I've cried in Jordans' arms over absolutely nothing because I just want my mom.  and she physically and emotionally just could not be there.  I was terrified to walk through another pregnancy without my mom.  but she's here.  she's here now.  and I hope and pray and believe that this time wont turn into yet another dance of promises and let downs.

..taking things one day at a time.