Yolande

August 2, 2009

Buh-bye, blueberry.....hello raspberry!


Seriously? What an adorable little fruit? And 8 weeks sounds incredibly official to me, just so you know. We have now known about our little raspberry for a whole month. And in the exact same amount of time, we will be headed out of the first tri and probably ready to announce it here on this blog. Cannot.Freaking.Wait. Keeping this fatty secret is hard, you guys, seriously.

My 8 week belly pic is complete with a creepy face, since I had to use the tripod for this one instead of my hubby. A little more bloat this week, perhaps?


So I had my first parenting-related freak out moment today. I was in the shower, getting ready for work when BAM, it hit me. OMG. When I have a newborn baby to care for I will not be able to roll out of bed 30 minutes before I leave for work and focus on making myself presentable. How will I manage myself AND a newborn before work? I mean, I'm sure the baby will just wake up whenever, then need to be changed, fed, and dressed all before I even get a shower or breakfast. The logistics freak me out sometimes. Like, how in the heck am I going to manage that? I was also thinking about the grocery store (something I completely despise even when I'm all alone) and wondered, "Hmm, do you take the baby in with you, in the carseat? Where in the heck do you put the carseat when you push the cart?" I got a little panicky then realized that I have some time before I worry about those types of baby juggling issues. Let's make it to our first appointment first.

Which, oh em geeeee, it's only 7 days away now. Eeek! I think I'm going to be both a wreck and ridiculously excited for next Monday. Can't even breathe thinking about it but I'm trying to be all Zen and calm and stuff. Please, God, let it all go well.

So this week I have felt Fatigue like none other. I know I say that every week, but I am not joking with the following scenario: I came home from work one day and almost fell asleep at the wheel. Then walking up our stairs took me about 10 minutes because I couldn't muster up the energy to put one foot in front of the other. When I finally arrived upstairs, I had to literally collapse on the bed and just rest my eyes before I could even change clothes or tell Nate 'hello.' I even begged him to please change me out of my work clothes and into lounge wear but he didn't bite on that one. Ugh. He's both impressed and a little frightened of my new-found ability to sleep. Seriously. Let me give a little shout out to naps on the couch. Holla at your girl. I love you much. See you in a few hours, no doubt, drooling onto every single throw pillow we own is my new goal.

A little more barfy this week, too, but still nothing that is crippling me. And I had an epiphany while doing a little online reading: sometimes docs prescribe vitamin B6 for morning sickness. Well, duh....I already take 100 mg daily aside from my prenatal. I started taking it the month before we got pregnant to help lengthen out my cycle (guess it worked!) and now I wonder if that helps stave off my lurking morning sickness? Who knows, but so far I'm pretty stinking lucky to avoid bowing to the porcelain gods. I really just feel it lumping up in the back of my throat sometimes and food looks totally disgusting to me even if I'm starved. And when I become famished that's when I really feel nauseated, so it's truly a vicious cycle. Starving but nauseated. Fun times, I tell you.

But the gas, you guys. I think what I'm lacking in nausea I've made up for in gas. And bloat. And a disgusting taste in my mouth all the time. And peeing a lot. And sore boobs. Which, btw, are like porn star boobs in my opinion. I had a tiny bit of cleavage IN MY SPORTS BRA the other day. Fellow A-cuppers, there is hope, my friends!!

Oh and my sense of smell is out of control. Did I tell you about the time I SWORE I caught a whiff of Southern Comfort? Yeah, disgusting. I started sniffing around the house and asked Nate if he was secretly pounding shots of SoCo somewhere without my knowledge. It was at that point he backed away from his crazy pregnant wife and said, "Sweetie, do you need another nap?" Of course I did, what a fab idea.

I tried my first real cup of decaffinated coffee at brunch the other day and since it's been a whole month since I partook in my favorite leisure activity, I thought I would love it. However, I thought it tasted like battery acid and made Nate try it out to confirm. Guess it was just my wimpy taste buds because Nate thought it was totally fine. I still cannot believe I've stopped drinking coffee and my body hasn't gone into convulsions. Just wow. I still love you more than life itself, dear Starbeezie. Someday we will be lovers again. But not right now cause you taste like a dirty trashcan.

And finally, I've discovered a new favorite hobby: scouring the internet for nursery ideas. Holy cow. I am addicted. Lots of pictures to follow I'm sure but it's almost scary how much time I can waste dreaming about decorating a nursery. The nesting instinct is in full force....or maybe it's just my inner Martha Stewart coming out of hiding. Either way I'm literally dreaming about glorious cribs and mobiles and gliders, oh my!

So that's that. Me and my blueberry turned raspberry are hanging at 8 weeks trying to remain calm.

June 11, 2009

The Paradoxical First Trimester (aka Deep Thoughts by a Newly Pregnant Lady)


In a few days I will be officially 5 weeks pregnant, which means I've had almost a week to let this news sink into my thick skull.

I can't help but think this whole first tri thing is both amazing and awful all at the same time. Let me explain.

Seeing the word 'pregnant' on our digital test was quite possibly one of THE happiest moments of my entire life. This pure sense of joy is almost palpable as we are entering into the next phase of our lives together: parenthood. It's something I've always dreamed about and words cannot describe how incredibly happy we both are to be in this position. Excuse me while I pinch myself.

Then again, having this immense sense of excitement and joy is fairly ironic when you can't tell a flipping soul. I mean, if I had my way I'd shout it from the mountaintops right now but instead we have to keep this humongous secret until we get official confirmation with an ultrasound. I'm honestly afraid that I'll just be talking to a friend, or a co-worker about everyday life and all of a sudden it spews out of my mouth without warning. Sort of like, "Yeah, we're going to make a chicken dish tonight and add a little side of....HOLY HELL DID I MENTION THAT WE'RE GOING TO HAVE A BABY???!!!???" Whoops. Talk about making a conscious effort to keep a big fatty secret.

Another interesting counterpart to the intense joy we are feeling right now is the debilitating worry of the first trimester. I know that there is only a 25% chance of miscarriage before you hear the heartbeat but omg...TWENTY-FIVE percent seems like a giant black hole that is going to suck me under and suffocate me to death. Honestly, why does it seem like everyone on message boards, TV, and movies miscarry? If I read one more phrase that contains the words 'empty sac' I'm going to barf. (and no I haven't experienced morning sickness yet, which I suppose is rather normal this early on but of course it freaks me out to feel relatively good. )

I know that every woman goes through this sense of worry and I'm positive it won't stop after the first trimester. Heck, I'm sure once this little bumpkin is born (God willing) I'll have to make sure s/he is still breathing all of the time, worried that s/he will fall and get hurt, or whatever. But honestly, I just want to see the evidence that so far everything is a-okay. Then I can take it from there and continue on with new worries, considering it a privilege to worry about my baby. But the thought that something might happen to this pregnancy is such a stabbing thought that I have to consciously make the decision to breathe. I have to believe that this is out of my control, that God knows exactly what will happen at that first ultrasound and beyond. I am struggling to take comfort in the fact that there is nothing I can do to make this a sticky baby. But Dear Lord, I want so badly to experience this pregnancy to it's fullest. Ugh. The sense of worry is definitely a paradox to the sense of joy in these first weeks of pregnancy.

It's almost like this is too good to be true. It's hard to accept that I'm really deserving of this amazing gift when so many people out there struggle for years to be in the same place. You know that feeling when everything is so wonderful in your life that you just have to brace yourself for the bottom to fall out? Yeah, I'm there right now. And I hate that I can't just enjoy this time and push the negativity out of my mind but I'm working on it, for sure.

A very wise friend of mine once told me something I'll never forget. She said that there are really only two prayers we'll ever pray to God. "Thank you" and "Help". Right now I'm praying both prayers with equal gusto. Thank you so much for getting us to this amazing place, and please help me chill out a teensy little bit.

Thursday, November 7:

I'm chasing two giggling creatures around our house, and all I can see are her sweet ringlets bouncing up and down. His right-sided dimple. The sheer joy in their laughter as their mom chases them in circles.

We stop for a water break. Truman requests that he hides and I find him, but first I have to 'get' CC. I lunge at her, pick her up and swing her little body around. She begs for more. My first born is hiding under the table and yelling for me. Both of their tiny, innocent voices screaming for 'mama'. That's me. I'm their mom.

And I get to do this a third time? I can't wrap my head around it quite yet, since those two dark lines just smacked me in the face 48 hours ago. Two lines, and forever our family is changed. We are going to be a family of five. Cecelia is going to be a big sister. Truman is going to be the oldest of three. Is this a dream? I have no idea if I'm a little over four weeks pregnant or possibly six weeks into it. All I know is that I'm pregnant. Just typing those words makes my heart flutter.

I glance up at our photo wall as we continue our race around the lower level. Moments in time frozen in black and white, including our wedding day, a newborn Truman, a family of three, a newborn Cecelia, a family of four. What will our family look like next year at this time? How many more BIG moments await?

I'm overwhelmed with a sense of gratitude. Our life is not perfect, it's not always easy, but it's so incredibly good. I'm not sure what I've done to deserve all of this, but I'll take it with a lump in my throat. Thank you, God, for this third child as the final piece to our family puzzle. Please keep this baby safely growing inside me, keep my head clear and full of positive/trusting thoughts, and be with us. Be with us on each step of this awesome adventure.