Yolande

I've thought of many ways to write this post, as a reflection of 2009 by the month or as the decade by year. I thought about rehashing my goals for the year and implementing new ones. But honestly, my heart is just not in it. Don't get me wrong, 2009 was a pretty awesome year for my little family and it's nice to see I met a lot of my goals in addition to having the privilege of getting pregnant this year. But for all of the positive events we saw this year one heavily weighted negative is perched on my mind as the year comes to a close.

I've talked about my best friend Hannah many times on this blog. We lived together for nearly 8 years through college and beyond, were each other's maids of honor, shared part of our first pregnancies together, and then she had beautiful baby Matilda on Thanksgiving Day this year. Throughout our friendship we've gone through many life events together but I never expected to go through the loss of a parent this early in our lives. Hannah's mom, Ann, died on Christmas Day from breast cancer complications. It was unexpected and words fail me during this incredibly sad occasion. But what I can say is this: life is too short, it can be unfair and it doesn't always make sense. It's easy to get caught up in our monotonous daily routines, drifting from months to years, taking it all for granted and planning for the next 5, 10, 15 years as if they are guaranteed. All too often I let unimportant details take precedence, I'll lose sight of the present moment, and focus far too much on future plans. Plans--as if we have any control over what life brings to us.

How many times do we have to hear the phrase 'Live life to its fullest' to really understand what that means? Can anyone truly be present in the current moment on a consistent basis? Don't we all take our blessings for granted?

Ann was an amazing wife, mother, and although it was brief--a grandmother to Tilly. To say that she will be missed is the understatement of the year.






When Hannah told me the news on Christmas Day I was in shock. Although I only see my mom a few times each year, I was lucky enough to be with my own mother and grandmother for this bittersweet holiday. Mourning the loss of Hannah's mom with my own immediately made me realize how blessed I truly am, and that I should never take it for granted. Every email or phone call, every hug or laugh, every 'I love you' needs to be fully appreciated. I think we can all use reminders sometimes, and if nothing else Ann's death will always serve as a wake up call for me: to cherish every moment with my own mother, because nothing is guaranteed.

We spent an extra day in Missouri to attend Ann's visitation and I'm so glad we decided to stay. We also got to meet the most gorgeous little baby in the world, Miss Matilda, and although I was convinced the timing of her birth was awful now I realize it might be the biggest blessing throughout the ordeal. Sure, Hannah has a one month old baby to care for which brings on hormonal imbalances, lack of sleep, and a general feeling of chaos. I thought that Ann's death would be too much to bear even under 'normal' circumstances, but with a brand new baby? Way too much. And of course, it's not going to be easy for Hannah by any means...but Tilly is just such a bright spot in the world, a reminder that life can indeed be good. Tilly will keep Hannah busy and hopefully she can bring a smile to her face every now and then, too. One birth and one death all in the matter of a month. Yes, life is a roller coaster of unknowns, so buckle up for the ride.

To focus on the positive side of things, let me present to you Miss Matilda in all of her glory:

















Holding Nate's fingers....makes my heart melt a little bit:


And I swear I'm not looking at the baby with crazy eyes. I was telling a really good story, of course. But this picture is too funny not to share:


I guess if I reflect on the year and life in general, I would have to say that my only goal for 2010 is to be present. To live in the moment. And not to take a second of it for granted. I hope you can do the same.

August 2, 2009

Buh-bye, blueberry.....hello raspberry!


Seriously? What an adorable little fruit? And 8 weeks sounds incredibly official to me, just so you know. We have now known about our little raspberry for a whole month. And in the exact same amount of time, we will be headed out of the first tri and probably ready to announce it here on this blog. Cannot.Freaking.Wait. Keeping this fatty secret is hard, you guys, seriously.

My 8 week belly pic is complete with a creepy face, since I had to use the tripod for this one instead of my hubby. A little more bloat this week, perhaps?


So I had my first parenting-related freak out moment today. I was in the shower, getting ready for work when BAM, it hit me. OMG. When I have a newborn baby to care for I will not be able to roll out of bed 30 minutes before I leave for work and focus on making myself presentable. How will I manage myself AND a newborn before work? I mean, I'm sure the baby will just wake up whenever, then need to be changed, fed, and dressed all before I even get a shower or breakfast. The logistics freak me out sometimes. Like, how in the heck am I going to manage that? I was also thinking about the grocery store (something I completely despise even when I'm all alone) and wondered, "Hmm, do you take the baby in with you, in the carseat? Where in the heck do you put the carseat when you push the cart?" I got a little panicky then realized that I have some time before I worry about those types of baby juggling issues. Let's make it to our first appointment first.

Which, oh em geeeee, it's only 7 days away now. Eeek! I think I'm going to be both a wreck and ridiculously excited for next Monday. Can't even breathe thinking about it but I'm trying to be all Zen and calm and stuff. Please, God, let it all go well.

So this week I have felt Fatigue like none other. I know I say that every week, but I am not joking with the following scenario: I came home from work one day and almost fell asleep at the wheel. Then walking up our stairs took me about 10 minutes because I couldn't muster up the energy to put one foot in front of the other. When I finally arrived upstairs, I had to literally collapse on the bed and just rest my eyes before I could even change clothes or tell Nate 'hello.' I even begged him to please change me out of my work clothes and into lounge wear but he didn't bite on that one. Ugh. He's both impressed and a little frightened of my new-found ability to sleep. Seriously. Let me give a little shout out to naps on the couch. Holla at your girl. I love you much. See you in a few hours, no doubt, drooling onto every single throw pillow we own is my new goal.

A little more barfy this week, too, but still nothing that is crippling me. And I had an epiphany while doing a little online reading: sometimes docs prescribe vitamin B6 for morning sickness. Well, duh....I already take 100 mg daily aside from my prenatal. I started taking it the month before we got pregnant to help lengthen out my cycle (guess it worked!) and now I wonder if that helps stave off my lurking morning sickness? Who knows, but so far I'm pretty stinking lucky to avoid bowing to the porcelain gods. I really just feel it lumping up in the back of my throat sometimes and food looks totally disgusting to me even if I'm starved. And when I become famished that's when I really feel nauseated, so it's truly a vicious cycle. Starving but nauseated. Fun times, I tell you.

But the gas, you guys. I think what I'm lacking in nausea I've made up for in gas. And bloat. And a disgusting taste in my mouth all the time. And peeing a lot. And sore boobs. Which, btw, are like porn star boobs in my opinion. I had a tiny bit of cleavage IN MY SPORTS BRA the other day. Fellow A-cuppers, there is hope, my friends!!

Oh and my sense of smell is out of control. Did I tell you about the time I SWORE I caught a whiff of Southern Comfort? Yeah, disgusting. I started sniffing around the house and asked Nate if he was secretly pounding shots of SoCo somewhere without my knowledge. It was at that point he backed away from his crazy pregnant wife and said, "Sweetie, do you need another nap?" Of course I did, what a fab idea.

I tried my first real cup of decaffinated coffee at brunch the other day and since it's been a whole month since I partook in my favorite leisure activity, I thought I would love it. However, I thought it tasted like battery acid and made Nate try it out to confirm. Guess it was just my wimpy taste buds because Nate thought it was totally fine. I still cannot believe I've stopped drinking coffee and my body hasn't gone into convulsions. Just wow. I still love you more than life itself, dear Starbeezie. Someday we will be lovers again. But not right now cause you taste like a dirty trashcan.

And finally, I've discovered a new favorite hobby: scouring the internet for nursery ideas. Holy cow. I am addicted. Lots of pictures to follow I'm sure but it's almost scary how much time I can waste dreaming about decorating a nursery. The nesting instinct is in full force....or maybe it's just my inner Martha Stewart coming out of hiding. Either way I'm literally dreaming about glorious cribs and mobiles and gliders, oh my!

So that's that. Me and my blueberry turned raspberry are hanging at 8 weeks trying to remain calm.

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