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Jumat, 26 Mei 2017

Forgiveness come in time if you truly want to forgive

Recently, the topics of compassion and forgiveness have been on my mind.

Some of this reflection stems from the types of clients I am seeing in counseling, but I also had been studying these topics for my own personal benefit. Throughout this same time period, I was asked to give a presentation on "How to grow closer to your family" at a local church meeting. As I prepared for that presentation, I realized that selfishness and pride are the ultimate destroyers of a family, whereas as compassion and love are the ultimate binders that keep a family strong.

Just before I gave my presentation, I learned a good lesson about compassion in my own life. For the last two years, I had struggled to fully forgive some women that had hurt me deeply. Their actions (and my poor reactions) started a chain of events that severed friendships in our social circle.

A couple days before my presentation, I learned some information about these women that helped me finish my journey of forgiveness. Finally, I was able to have compassion on them. Finally allowing myself to fully forgive them and let the pain go was a fantastic feeling.

About two years ago, the actions of a few women hurt my feelings. Over time, the pain became so deep (on both sides) that these women couldn't even acknowledge my second pregnancy. They acted like I didn't exist, even though they were close friends of the family. When I tried to reach out to them, I was rejected. When I let my anger get the best of me, and I said something snappy, I felt even more rejected and isolated because it seemed like they were swaying other people against me too. Luckily, I have a compassionate husband who did his best to comfort me, and in time I made new friends that helped ease the pain.

For months I wracked my brain to determine how I had wronged them so deeply. I guessed at some personality traits where I could soften, but I knew there had to be more to the story. I wasn't perfect, and I could work to overcome my flaws. Yet, somehow all my effort was never enough to restore the relationships with these women. The air was still tense if we were ever in the same room together.

Then, a month ago I figured it out.

I learned that one of the women had long struggled against depression, with this information I was able to put together the pieces of our friendship struggle. Her medication would have changed about the same time we had our first big fight. All the events that happened two years ago made sense! I could see her chain of logic that slowly unraveled our friendship.

I finally was able to see this woman through compassionate eyes.

I could have mercy on her for simply being human.

Compassion allowed me to understand why she acted the way she acted.

Continuing to use our "compassion glasses," my husband and I discussed the actions of the other women that hurt me so deeply, and we were able to recognize their pain as well. As we analyzed their situations and grievances through merciful eyes, the last bits of anger that had resided in my heart were free to leave. The burden I had carried around for two years was lifted of my heart. I could stop blaming them because I could understand why they thought their actions were okay.

For two years I had tried to heal from heartache, and I finally was free.

Compassion is a powerful thing.

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Oftentimes people hold onto hurt in order to hold onto the power they think comes with being "the victim." When friendships or family relationships are at stake, the thought that "he/she was definitely in the wrong, and I'm completely innocent" is a deceptive thought. Pain must continually be rationalized, otherwise the "victim" would have to let it go and forgive. Blaming the other person doesn't heal the relationship; compassion heals the relationship.

Continuing to cast blame on a friend or family member only boosts your own selfish pride. If you are seeking to raise yourself higher than the other person, you are building your pride. If you find yourself continuing to talk badly about them after the event is over, you are choosing not to heal. If you find yourself rationalizing how he/she wrong and you are right, then you are not healing. Relationships are between two people; it is unfair to lay all responsibility at the other person's feet.

If you want to heal, if you want to fully forgive, then you must allow compassion to first enter your own heart. Compassion and love will then allow you to fully forgive the other person for their wrongs.

Choosing to hold onto the pain is choosing to fester.

Do you really want to fester?

Choose to forgive. Choose compassion.

Rabu, 26 April 2017

All I want for Christmas

Since Thanksgiving is officially over, I can fully commit myself to the Christmas season without feeling guilty. I always feel so bad for Turkey day, getting shunned for Christmas so early in the year.

But alas, Christmas is here. If you are in doubt just watch the news. Crazies out in full force at the malls starting at 12:01 this morning. People being trampled on the Wal-Mart floor all in the name of a cheap television. Ah, the American way:)

Anyway, I've been thinking a lot about my Christmas list this year, as I'm sure good ol' St. Nick is DYING to know what to buy me. Well everyone can stop holding their breath because I've formulated my ultimate list. A list to end all of my miniature lists, and while I made this list with realistic intentions it sort of got out of hand. Some of these items are 100% dream material, but who knows. It's like when we registered for our $600 vacuum assuming nobody would buy it for us, and guess who owns that stupendous Dyson now?! It's possible that one of my lurking blog readers is extremely wealthy and wants to shower me with frivolous gifts. Anything is possible, right?

Let's start with the little purchases and work our way up, shall we?

1. This book is full of awesome photography of dogs, specifically 'designer breeds' such as the cockapoo. I love photography and I love my dog [no matter what anyone says about designer breeds.] I found it on Slobber Space which is an adorable blog, btw.

2. I would like to get back into magazine subscriptions, without actually paying for them myself. Both Elle Decor and Martha Stewart Living would be great surprises in our new mailbox.

3. I feel like I deserve a massage. Not a half-assed 5 minute massage from my husband while he watches golf. A REAL luxurious massage, preferably at the really pricey spa and salon nearby.

4. My new found love, QVC.com, as some amazing fake diamond jewelry. I have Ame--who happens to have great style and you should check out her website---to thank for this discovery. In fact, I purchased a fake wedding set to wear to work so that my real diamonds can be spared the nastiness that is my job. I just couldn't stomach wearing my real set while dealing with bodily fluids, rubber gloves, load of soap and sanitizer, and constant bumps and bruises. It's quite the debate in our household [whether I should be wearing my real diamonds all the time] but for now I'm more comfortable wearing my Diamonique set from QVC. Maybe I will post my fake [blingtastic] set on here sometime if you'd like.

ANYWAY, I've never had real diamond earrings before and we can't exactly afford them now. Plus I'd probably be too paranoid to wear real ones anyway. QVC just so happens to make Diamonique earrings, just like my rings. They are all under $50 and range from 2 carats to 5 carats. I could be wrong but I think that means total weight, so a 2 carat set would actually be one carat per ear. I know, it's quite ridiculous but I think I can pull it off. Now I just have to decide between the princess cut, round cut, or asscher cut:

5. I've always wanted a pair of classy tall boots. And every single year I try on about a million pair and they aren't quite right. Mostly because they heel is too high and I know I'll never wear them without feeling extremely self-conscious. So now that the flat boots are in, I think I'm ready to take the plunge. These are from J.Crew and are $200...which in J.Crew land is fairly reasonable. But we all know that J.Crew has morphed into the most overpriced store known to mankind, right?

6. Here is the heavy-hitter, folks. I haven't even mentioned this one to my parents because I'm sure they'd laugh in my face. But here I am posting it because it seriously makes me drool: The Canon Digital Rebel XTi 10.1 MP. It would be a step above our little point and shoot camera, since it's a D-SLR. The problem is it's $700 on Amazon and that doesn't even include some of the nice lenses. Which can be an additional $1000. YIKES! But those who know me understand my love for photography. I mean, I was "that girl" in college who always took pictures of our friends. And now that I'm all grown up and mature, I'd even refrain from taking pictures at bars as I move onto pictures of our family and whatnot. Seriously, this camera is my dream.

7. Other things I would appreciate: a few 2008 calendars [betchya I get two Cockapoo calendars again this year], a first time homeowners book...maybe the one for dummies, digital scrapbooking supplies [my new obsession], a scrapbook supply organizer, and money. You can't go wrong with cash, folks.

Nate keeps telling me that I need 'warmer clothes' for this approaching winter. I don't really know what that means. It's not like I run around in shorts and tank tops year round and I already own a few coats and sweaters. That suggestion kind of frightens me, actually. Like people up here stock up on rabbit fur hats and long underwear for the winter. But regardless, he keeps hinting that I need to consider warm clothes for my wish list. I just don't find that fun, how about you?